Hope

Hope is such a powerful word, so many people hold on to it just waiting for something to happen. They do whatever it takes to keep whatever strength they have going. It's what keeps them up at night.

I know my hope was lost a long time ago, 7yrs ago to be exact. I hoped with everything I had that my brother was okay, that he would walk through the door at any moment and give us all a hug. I prayed so hard for him to just be alive. I honestly believe that's when I gave up my faith for god. He let me down, took someone away from me that I loved, someone I was going to need to grow up. I blamed god for all my rage, for not hearing me out. I honestly don't think I can ever get over my brothers death, he was a huge part of my life and to know that here I am 7yrs later still holding on amazes me. I could have given up, but I held on.

When I came out everything changed, I was happy for once. I had a few bad moments along the way, dated the wrong kinds of people, screwed up friendships, and made mistakes. My hope was finally brought back when I met a boy, he seemed to truly bring the light back into my life. I couldn't have asked for a better person, but of course being the kind of person that I am, I screwed that up. I cheated. Something I thought I'd never do. Now here I am suffering everyday for my mistake, I miss him like crazy. He was everything to me, my partner, my best friend. I know I screwed up royally, I would give anything to have my second chance to prove that things would be different. You know that saying "You never really know what you have till it's gone" I didn't realize who I had, I was too blinded by my selfishness to see my hope. I was drowning in my rage to hold on to what I had. I'm an idiot, I'm a liar, I'm a cheat. I am truly holding on to have my hope back. I'm not perfect, I'm a person who is willing to change, who has seen their mistakes. I love him with everything I have to offer. I hope that someday he will see, who I am. The person he first fell in love with.

Forgetting

I am so ready to get my life back on track, I feel like I've lost my way. I am so happy to know my family and friends are by my side, I really wish that I could have started therapy today I really needed it. Man I've got so much going in my head at one time I don't know what to do with myself.

Breaking

Well I'm back, it's been awhile but here I am. B and I aren't together anymore, and I've just been dealing with it. A lot of changes have been happening in my life, I'm back to talking to old friends, it almost feels as if they never left. I'm gonna start going to therapy pretty soon, I figure I need to better myself for the next guy that walks into my life. I kind of had a break down last night which made realize a lot about myself. That I've been through so much more than this, no guy is worth my tears. I'm young and I have plenty of time to find someone else, who will understand me. I closed a hard chapter in my book, but I'm ready for the next series to come. My life can only go up from here. I realized I have people who do truly love me and will always be in my life, and no guy will ever get in the way of that. So for now I'm gonna do me and I'll live my life to the fullest, I think I lost track of that. But I'm back and I'm here to stay.