Hope

Hope is such a powerful word, so many people hold on to it just waiting for something to happen. They do whatever it takes to keep whatever strength they have going. It's what keeps them up at night.

I know my hope was lost a long time ago, 7yrs ago to be exact. I hoped with everything I had that my brother was okay, that he would walk through the door at any moment and give us all a hug. I prayed so hard for him to just be alive. I honestly believe that's when I gave up my faith for god. He let me down, took someone away from me that I loved, someone I was going to need to grow up. I blamed god for all my rage, for not hearing me out. I honestly don't think I can ever get over my brothers death, he was a huge part of my life and to know that here I am 7yrs later still holding on amazes me. I could have given up, but I held on.

When I came out everything changed, I was happy for once. I had a few bad moments along the way, dated the wrong kinds of people, screwed up friendships, and made mistakes. My hope was finally brought back when I met a boy, he seemed to truly bring the light back into my life. I couldn't have asked for a better person, but of course being the kind of person that I am, I screwed that up. I cheated. Something I thought I'd never do. Now here I am suffering everyday for my mistake, I miss him like crazy. He was everything to me, my partner, my best friend. I know I screwed up royally, I would give anything to have my second chance to prove that things would be different. You know that saying "You never really know what you have till it's gone" I didn't realize who I had, I was too blinded by my selfishness to see my hope. I was drowning in my rage to hold on to what I had. I'm an idiot, I'm a liar, I'm a cheat. I am truly holding on to have my hope back. I'm not perfect, I'm a person who is willing to change, who has seen their mistakes. I love him with everything I have to offer. I hope that someday he will see, who I am. The person he first fell in love with.